January 23, 2022
Plans got canceled today due to Covid. Another productive and somewhat relaxing day. We’re all healthy though, so, overall, a good day.
January 22, 2022
Didn’t get a chance to write today. It was maintenance day today. New car batteries, pcv valves, laundry, dishes, etc. Lots of good food. Not many important happenings, but overall productive and relaxing!
January 21, 2022
I feel pretty great today! Not exactly sure why, my sleep was supposedly even worse than last night. I think there must be some quality that my fitbit isn’t measuring.
I’m finally back at that point where my work-outs are making my body feel really, really good. My resting heart rate has dropped a full 10bpm which is awesome. I’m noticing a lot of knock on effects from that. Number 1 is that I just feel a lot better all day long and everything is a little easier to do. I’m also more aware in general and perhaps less forgetful. Number 2, arousal. Happened to glance through some porn this morning and without realizing what was happening I was rock hard in mere seconds. When I’m out of shape it takes longer and I need a bit more encouragement. I’ve been able to masturbate the last two mornings as well so I suppose that might be helping too?
This morning was also the first time in a long time that I actually really, genuinely missed Mrs. Ten’s company while on my commute. Usually I look forward to the alone time, but today, I would have liked her to come with. I know that seems like a really sad commentary, but the truth is that we haven’t taken the time to pause and really rebuild our friendship in a really, really long time. So…I think it’s working and it’s a really good sign!
January 20, 2022
Feeling a bit weird today. Didn’t sleep real well. I was supposed to be busy at work but I’m not. Everything just seems a bit off. However, I did find this article which I thought offered a refreshing perspective on the pandemic…🤷♂️
January 19, 2022
Another incredibly busy day.
January 18, 2022
To continue the theme of weird questions that pop into my head. Have you ever wondered why farm silos often have a couple of rows of white checkered bricks at the top? Turns out that it’s just for decoration, but some of them tell a unique story. And here I’d concocted some theory about reflective paint for airplanes, before electricity became commonly available. Never mind the dearth of planes in that era…🤦♂️
On a more serious note, I’ve had a few epiphanies today. First one- Mrs. Ten thinks I’m “preoccupied with sex”. I do tend to agree. I think about it a whole lot. I’m not convinced that it’s such a bad thing though. It’s just the way that I am and I wish she would support me in it…Not much I can do about that though. I can no more stop myself from fantasizing about sex than I can wanting to eat, etc. It’s just an innate part of me.
2nd- We had a brief tiff this morning about how I’d forgotten to bring some money with to deposit in the bank. It didn’t amount to anything and we quickly moved on. However, my instinctive reaction really bothered me. I didn’t feel bad about it. In fact, I actually felt a little angry. To put this in perspective I rarely, if ever, ask her for help. I absolutely think this has more to do with my personality than her willingness to provide it, but when she gets upset like that when I’ve forgotten something and remembered at least three other things I feel like I’m being taken for granted. There are two things about that that bother me. 1) I don’t want to be taken for granted. 2) I actually want to be in a relationship where this situation makes me feel bad. Not because I’m being reprimanded, but because I let my partner down and she does so much for me. I just don’t know what it would take for us to get there. I think I need more from her, but I also think I’m not very open to receiving more….bit of a pickle really.
3rd- I was reading an article yesterday about rituals that happy couples have. A lot of it struck me as useless nonsense but there was one thing that really struck home with me, the ritual of greeting one another when you’ve been apart. I can think of so many instances in which the way we greeted one another ended up costing us weeks of fighting. It also just makes a lot of logical sense to me. I mean, if you greet me every time I come home with a smile and a hug, of course I’m going to look forward to seeing you. Unfortunately, we have both been way to guilty of brushing each other off when we get home. We’re both too busy, too independent, too unwilling to rely on one another. I gave it a shot last night. She told me she didn’t need a hug…😔. Of course, she does have a cold right now. I’ll keep trying and see if I can work it into a conversation.
4th- It occurs to me in reference to epiphany #2 that I also take her for granted quite a bit. She is always putting in overtime making extra $$ to keep us afloat and progressing financially. I think I tend to see this as benefiting both of us and that makes it harder to appreciate it as an effort she is making on my behalf. Even so, I definitely need to find new ways to show her how much I appreciate all of the work she does.
Also, things I’ve fantasized about today:
Nuru massage, masturbating together, anal sex, pegging, having my cock worshipped by two women, masturbating and then coming inside my partner, edging, her talking dirty to me, her giving me a hand job, eating her pussy, eating her out after I’ve come inside her…
January 17, 2022
Have you ever wondered why egg noodles always come in those super easy to rip cellophane bags? All the other common noodles arrive neatly packed in boxes, but not so the egg…Why is that?! A quick Google search reveals no definitive answer and I’ve not the time for more than that…
On a completely unrelated note, I’m feeling quite horny today…Sometimes I think a good morning workout after a period of rest just does that to me. I keep fantasizing about that first thrust. The feeling of your slick walls parting for me. The way your wetness feels on me as I slowly thrust every inch inside of you until we’re gasping and I’m as deep as I can go. Also, later, after we’ve been fucking for a while, the feeling of your wetness dripping between my balls…Mmmm.
January 16, 2022
Warm. That’s how I would describe today. Of course, anytime this frozen tundra gets above freezing in January it can only be described as warm. It was also warm because I sat in the hot tub for two hours today. Got to take 16 rabbit hunting for a bit. In doing so I worked up a tiny sweat so, also, warm. Mostly though, it was just warm because I got to stay home for the majority of the day. Home makes me feel warm.😊
January 15, 2022
Forgot to write today. It was actually quite relaxing.
January 14, 2022
Nice relaxing snow day today. Didn’t get a lot done, but got some rest.
January 13, 2022
Incredibly busy day today. Not a lot to say and no time to say it…
January 12, 2022
A lot of stuff this morning. Let’s see if I can get it all down by days end…
This morning I hopped on the rower. Hit the play button on my workout and saw that it was called Tabata cuts. Hmmm…that’s interesting, I thought. Wonder what that is? (most of my fitness training is self taught).
Shortly after warm up…
“Hmmm…Steve’O is having us do a stroke rating of 28…for a warm up…”😬
First tabata cut in a set of 8…stroke rate 30
“This isn’t so bad…”
4th cut into first set…
“Holy shit this hurts! I might not make it.”
7th cut, first set…
“Curse you Mr. Tabata! May you burn in the darkest depths of hell!!”
4th and final cut second set…
“How does this still hurt this much!”
Final cut, 3nd set of 2….
“Holy fuck! My 500m split time hit 1:17!!”
10 minutes after workout, in the shower when my body has cooled down and settled into an amazing runners high…
“Bless you Mr. Tabata! Help me find enlightenment!”
Two hours post work-out, when my heart beat is still elevated by at least 10bpm…
“What kind of fucking drug is this!”
Also, as I was cooling down from my workout the song ifit was playing was Love Me Like You Do by Ellie Goulding. It seemed like it was catching a nerve for me but I figured maybe it was just the intensity of the workout.
Normally, that particular song is a little too Rom Com for me. A bit too happy ending. That shit doesn’t really happen in real life. Sometimes I use skepticism as a defense mechanism. If something isn’t possible I can’t feel too bad for not attaining it.
Later, after I dropped the kids off and headed to work I played it to see what was bugging me about it. That shit damn near brought me to tears. I think I am desperately craving that kind of love. That let me hold you, heal you, and complete you vibe. Total surrender. Then, I realized just how thick the walls are that I’ve built around my heart. I am so terrible at letting anyone heal me. I don’t ever ask for help. I never expect it, and I probably go quite a ways out of my way to make sure it doesn’t happen.
My relationship with Mrs. Ten is just in a lot of pain right now. I probably can’t see through it to know all the times she’s offered me that kind of love. Outside of that, I can only remember two times I’ve felt anything like it. The time I was absolutely plastered and I passed out on the couch at one of my friends girlfriend’s apartment (we went out to party before moving her the next day). She took my shoes off and lay a blanket over me. I felt so pathetic and grateful all at the same time. The other time was when one of my coworkers hugged me after my dog died.
That strikes me as some pretty shallow shit. I can’t even imagine how it would feel to have that kind of love from someone I am actually intimate with. But, I do want it. I’m fucking starving for it. I also feel like that level of desperation is pretty fucking dangerous.
After, I needed to sort of back out of that feeling. I have rarely used music as a way to do this but I found it helpful today. My playlist-
Boom, clap- Charli XCX Still, pretty heart palpating for me but far less intense.
Confident- Demi Levato Smooth that wound over nicely. You can own this.
My Songs Know What You Did in the Dark- Fall Out Boy. Cauterize the wound, motivate.
Of course, that Demi Levato song brought me back to my workout, and yet another realization…
One of the things I really seem to like about iFit is the over the top encouragement you get from your trainers. It felt pretty cheesy at first. “You’ve got this!” “You’re doing great!” 🙄 Lady, I’m just walking down the beach (albeit a little faster than I normally would).
But, after a while, when I can literally feel my body changing and the runners high has seeped in on enough occasions I’m starting to believe. Fuck yes. I really can do this!
I want that from my lover as well. It’s a relationship component I had rarely considered. Usually I’m pretty motivated all by myself, but having someone there to encourage me, to lift me up. That’s a fucking turbo boost.
January 11, 2022
Had an hour long argument with Mrs. Ten last night right before bed. Then, I couldn’t fall asleep for several hours. I am just mentally, physically, and emotionally absolutely spent. It’s possible that someday I will comment on all of that but I feel like it’s probably best if I just don’t right now.
I really hope that tomorrow is a better day.
January 10, 2022
You know, I had all kinds of deep insights to put in here this morning and now I’m tired and I can’t remember any of them. But…
I did get a chance to glance at some porn this morning. It was a bit of orgasm denial where the submissive was begging to come and her Master was just torturing her with pleasure. Got my juices flowing a little. So all day I’ve been thinking about how fun it would be to leave instructions for a sub to put a butt plug in. Then, when I get home, take my time sliding my cock in, in place of the plug. Once I’m inside, I want to try teasing her while she leans back against me until she’s begging to come. Not yet…nope, wait….etc. When she’s all edged out I want to make her come, HARD, then see how many times she can come while I’m inside her before I do as well…🥵
January 9, 2022
Sometimes I think it would be easier for me to live a solitary existence. I don’t really fit in anywhere. Trying to get my needs etc met by others just feels inefficient and futile. But if I’m honest, I really do want to fit in, at least a little bit, somewhere or with someone.
I want that indescribable feeling. You know the one. It feels heavy and musky in my heart, with little balls of joy bouncing around everywhere. It feels incredibly heavy and feather light at the same time. But the older I get the more I find that those little balls of joy have nails in them. They can hurt. They’re not to be trusted. Even so, I keep on wanting them all the same…
January 8, 2022
If Saturdays are made for quiet relaxation then this one has been pretty good!🙂
January 7, 2022
I was thinking a bit this morning about how some parts of me just feel completely and irrevocably broken. I think anyone that survives 40 years or more on this planet probably has parts like that. Sometimes those parts are big and sometimes they’re small.
A great example of a small thing for me is my ability to dance. I just get all kinds of self-conscious even thinking about it and unless it’s a truly special occasion like my wedding there is no way you’re getting me out on that floor.
When I was 13 I loved to dance. I am well aware just how weird I probably looked. I would slide across the floor and do all kinds of awkward moves but I really enjoyed it. Of course, being weird in a school with class sizes of 30 or less was an obvious recipe for disaster and it ran its inevitable course. I was ridiculed and I stopped doing it…forever. Well, at least for the next 28 years…we shall see I guess. It’s a small thing. It doesn’t affect whether I can get on in the world in any way, but it is a small ray of joy that was deleted from my life early on.
Big things? Definitely religion/spirituality. When I was a kid we went to church in a different town from where I went to school. I had a lot of pretty awful experiences there. Not the truly awful kind. I was never raped or beaten etc. Just the kind where you’re consistently picked on and made to feel pretty worthless by your peers. It didn’t help that I was a pretty serious, and sensitive kid. I think a lot of what I endured started as good-natured ribbing. However, because I reacted to it the wrong way it just proceeded into a really bad pattern.
Anyway, I grew to truly hate the church. Now days, I get a little nauseous just thinking about the place and my whole connection to spirituality just feels absolutely numb. It’s like I’m afraid to touch it because it’s never brought me anything but pain. Now, I’m even a bit worried that if I ever pierced that barrier and touched that nerve it would create this torrent of unwanted change in my life. So I just leave that dusty corner of my soul to gather more dust…🤷♂️
January 6, 2022
This morning I walked on a beach in the Turks and Caicos (virtually) while the wind chill outside was -29F. It was a nice break from the literal cold reality of life up here. Of course, it got me thinking about my travel bucket list and all of the innumerable places I’d like to go. In turn, that had me thinking about gardening and homesteading. My visualization plays out in a homey fantasy in my head, though I am well aware of the difficulties incumbent to that lifestyle.
The thing is, those two goals are often in opposition. A real homestead requires constant work and doesn’t leave much time for travel. Traveling like I would like, doesn’t allow much time to enjoy the comforts of home. A balance must be struck I suppose. These warring instincts are so characteristic of my personality. I often wonder how I will eventually resolve them.
January 5, 2022
I’ve been getting into iFit lately. This fall we purchased a treadmill and I also bought a rowing machine. Well I bought an ifit membership and got the machine for free. I absolutely love the workouts. It’s fun and distracting enough to make it feel a lot less like work.
One of the weird things I’ve noticed is that my fitbit registers rowing as either “athletic activity” or swimming. Not sure why it changes day by day. Peculiarly, it also registers folding laundry as swimming…so I guess I’m literally swimming in laundry?
January 4, 2022
Another day where I’m too busy to journal…
January 3, 2022
I keep thinking today that the two things I feel the absence of most acutely in my life are:
- Someone that is genuinely happy and excited to see me.
- A job that I enjoy and find exciting.
Translation- I need more affection and Mondays suck!
January 2, 2022
Starting to see that journaling on weekends might prove difficult. Until tomorrow…
January 1, 2022
Happy New Year’s everyone!
I have not always been a big believer in New Year’s resolutions. It has always seemed to me that NOW is always the best time to start making the change you want to see in yourself rather than waiting for a special holiday. However, the past year has been an extremely difficult one for me and I wanted to mark the new year with a few changes.
One of the changes I want to make is getting back to journaling. When I began Tantalizing Tidbits it was meant as a place to put all of the random bits of sexuality that pop into my head now and then. It was a place for those things that are too small to fit into a story and too big to fit into a tweet. It was also a place where I wanted to let my readers see dimensions of me that aren’t sexual at all. I really am a whole person, and while I am quite sexual, I’d say that at least 80% of my thoughts aren’t about sex.
With the reboot, my intention is to leave a little note every day. My entries will probably be shorter, and more often than not, they won’t be sexual at all (although sometimes they will be). So, if you pop in here moving forward, that’s what you can expect, just random bits of Ten.