June 26, 2022
Well, I guess I should have waited to report the “I feel amazing” bit. No sooner did I write that then our good friend Covid came along to knock me back again. Oh well. Took me off my workout from Wednesday to Friday last week. But, now I’m all better.
One of the oddities of being a researcher who works on infectious disease is the intimate way I can visualize what’s going on when I get sick. Having seen a lot of pairs of sick animal lungs I can just picture the lesions forming and resolving in my own. I can visualize my immune system going to war with a bug. Yeah, it doesn’t add much to the experience.
June 17, 2022
Still busy. Not as much fishing as gardening and cutting down all of the volunteer trees that rocketed out of my yard recently. Also, been pretty religious about the work outs lately so I feel really amazing. Finally starting to feel closer to how I did when I used to run 5 miles a day. Definitely liking my morning and afternoon doses of endorphins.
In other news, I guess they found part of One-eyed Willie’s wreck near Astoria. I didn’t know there was anything factual behind the Goonies, but it was one of my favorite movies growing up. They found the timbers in a sea cave no less! Now I feel as though my calling in life came and went without me even noticing it…Would have definitely wanted to try my hand at finding that wreck (even though I have no experience whatsoever in such things)! Evidently the gold is still out there though. 😉
June 5, 2022
I know I haven’t been keeping up with this journal as much as I’d like to. Mostly, it’s just because, well….summer! Too busy to write and reflect. I’m always doing something. Since my last update I’ve caught a lot more fish and made some pretty great food! I plan to do a lot more of the same for the next few months so if I’m not updating it’s probably just that I’m busy living life. Will make an effort to update a little more often though.
May 22, 2022
The end of the school year is always a busy time in our family. The last couple of weeks I’ve had very little time to write as every sport and school activity tries to squeeze one last thing in. Work has been busy at times as well, along with the normal comings and goings of life. Hence the gap in this journal. I did find a moment last week to head over to the dock and fish though. Caught 5 sunnies, 1 crappie, and 2 largemouth bass. All miniature little guys. It was the first time in a couple of years that I got the chance to do that. Nightcrawlers were $4. Best $4 I’ve spent this year.
May 16, 2022
Had what may have been literally the most boring day at work I’ve ever had. Went home, made enchiladas, messed around in the yard, then made lemon cake which turned out OK. I think I overbaked it just a little and then forgot to let it rest in the pan so it came out missing a couple small chunks. Also think I would add more syrup next time and beat the sugar and butter a little longer to keep it fluffy…Yes I’m using my journal on my sex blog to keep track of changes to recipes….What?! I really do wonder what these folks think if they receive noticeable traffic from here though…🤔
May 15, 2022
Finally had time to catch up on all of the outdoor preparations for summer. Had a fence to fix, lawn to mow, leaves to rake. Had to get the outdoor shower ready and a bunch of other stuff. All done in one day! With a bunch of help from the kids of course while Mrs. Ten was at work. Was dog tired afterward but still had time to make homemade spaghetti for cacio e pepe!!
May 14, 2022
Went up and watched 14 play at the last place he did last summer. Went for a walk on one of the many awesome little paths they have up there. It was a beautiful day, the perfect temp for a walk and no bugs.
It reminded me of the last time I walked that trail. Mrs. Ten and I were not in a good place and had just had another fight. I was feeling really pretty depressed about it. Then, we had this incredibly long, cold winter. Now, I think we’re in a much better place.
Anyway, after that long hard winter it’s suddenly warm and beautiful out. If I’d taken that picture two weeks ago the forest floor would have been all dead and brown.
It got me to thinking a little bit about my own situation. I’ve been through a lot since last summer. It’s been a long, cold winter in my life and it has changed me immeasurably. Now, things are better, the trees are leafing out again. I could make some sappy quote here about how a long hard winter is always followed by a long hot summer. Anyone who’s been around long enough knows that’s BS. Sometimes that long, cold winter just keeps fucking dragging on anyway. But, if you wait long enough, like those plants on the forest floor. Eventually the sun will shine again and you’ll get to grow. For me, it has been worth the wait.
May 13, 2022
Work, boring meetings, blah blah blah…
May 12, 2022
Got to go fishing for about half an hour before it stormed….Didn’t catch anything but I did have a painted turtle pop up right next to the dock and stare at me for a while so that made up for it.
May 11, 2022
Got my fishing license! Now it’s pouring rain….Still, after it stopped, got to go grill some burgers and sit in the hot tub. Then watched a few YouTube videos about where and what to eat when we go on vacation this summer. It was a pretty relaxing evening.
May 10, 2022
A beautiful day, lots of sunshine. Ended up spending the majority of it sitting on a couch in my in-laws porch, but there was a nice breeze blowing through. Decided that I’d better hurry up and get my fishing license. I should have been sitting by the lake!
May 9, 2022
Filling that cavity went well! So relieved to have that done. Also, suddenly it’s summer! At least I’m hopeful anyway…
May 8, 2022
Finishing off the tournaments today. Then, checking a few more things off the Big City shopping list before the long drive home….
May 7, 2022
More sports today. Teams doing well!
May 6, 2022
Drove up for practice and a late night hotel arrival last night. Did a bunch of shopping this morning. Summer clothes etc. Got to watch 14 and 16 play so that was fun.
May 5, 2022
Kind of a boring gray day today. Somehow I messed up a tendon or something in my foot. Doesn’t feel like it’ll take that long to heal. Still, felt like I should rest it. So, what to do instead of run or row? Masturbate of course! Got to take a little extra time for that this morning which was nice.
May 4, 2022
Had one of those days where everything just seems like it’s working out unexpectedly well. Work was busy but not too stressful. Got home a little earlier than expected and that was nice too.
May 3, 2022
Did a lot of driving today to get to 14’s competition. He did really well though! Then, back down the road to home. Got back late, went to sleep.
One of the weird things about post-pandemic life is how grateful I feel when I’m on the road and there’s a restaurant open after 10p… It was just a McDonald’s, but still, at least we didn’t end up starving on our way back!
May 2, 2022
Hey! Guess what? It’s May!!! The worst two months of the year are over! Only a couple of weeks before fishing opener. Also, my sinuses finally feel relatively normal which means…winter is finally over! I think. We’ll see…
In any case, finished my Ecuador workout series today. So tomorrow I’m rowing in Portugal, then on to hiking in Chile. I’m kind of excited about it. Grass is getting greener here. It’s like summer is almost ready to break through!!
May 1, 2022
Another long drive, really early. Then, put together a piece for a guest post I am doing. Spent the rest of the day doing chores and helping with homework.
April 30, 2022
A lot of driving today. Sat around in my truck and read my book, ran some errands, played Hay Day…Then drove home and pretty much went to bed.
April 29, 2022
Got into a bit of a tiff this morning as Mrs. Ten was in a hurry to get out the door. It’s such a common argument and mostly the result of exhaustion, poor communication, and general frustration with how long this cold spell has drug on. I think what I need to do is try to stop letting it ruin my day and just move on. I need to stop feading into it and just let it lie. I just feel exhausted by the whole exchange though. I feel like that every time we argue now, just utterly and absolutely drained. It sucks.
April 28, 2022
Weather held off for another day, just enough to watch 14 compete while Mrs. Ten and I shivered in the cold.
April 27, 2022
Enjoying what looks to be the last of the nice weather for a while. Work is just the right amount of busy. Will be out all night helping 16 finish his homework while Mrs. Ten is busy working.
April 26, 2022
Busy day at work. Then watched 14 and 16 compete. Got to go for a walk. Nice weather for once!
April 25, 2022
A windy but fairly easy day. Didn’t get to writing but I did get to watching a new show on Netflix with Mrs. Ten. Made a nice but quick meal. Overall, a good day.
April 24, 2022
Looking at the forecast and trying to figure out when I should fix this post. It’s cold today and still windy. I need the concrete to set pretty fast so that it stays straight. Neither the cold nor the wind is going to help much with that but I’m not sure when else I’m going to have time…
April 23, 2022
Spent all day watching 15 at his sport. Got to take a break and read in the middle though. Also practiced my language skills. Had tropical storm force winds all day. Despite that, it was the warmest it has been in a very long time. After 15’s thing, got groceries and the stuff to fix a fence post in the backyard. Then, we came home and helped 16 with homework. After that…bed.
While I was buying that post there was this young couple ahead of me in line. She was bumping up against him and giving him that “you are SO getting fucked as soon as we get home” look. Mrs. Ten and I aren’t big on public displays of affection. By and large, that’s just fine with me. However, I can’t remember the last time she gave me THAT look. I have to admit, I was a wee bit jealous. It would be nice to feel desired like that.
April 22, 2022
Since about Wednesday morning I’ve had this persistent sinus drainage from my right ear down my throat. It happens every spring when it warms up like this. It’s making me a bit grumpy today.
Has anyone else noticed all of the holes that seem to be opening up in the world, or is it just me? Every time I shop or go out to eat everyone is short staffed and stuff is missing on the shelves. Occasionally, someone will manage to paper it over with fresh staff but they’ve got a ways to go before they know what they’re doing.
I realize this is decidedly a whiny 1st world problem and I should just shut up, but it’s getting so I’d rather just make my own food and stay in. I love cooking and a night in is usually just great, but it used to be nice to go out once in a while. That seems to have vanished and I kind of miss it…
On a more positive note, got to masturbate again this morning. This day definitely needed an orgasm to help pick it up, so I’m glad I snuck one in.
April 21, 2022
Finally some beautiful weather! Get to go watch 16 compete this afternoon maybe. Also hoping to get a walk in while the wind has finally ceased to howl! Did a Tabata rowing workout this morning so now I’m all floaty with endorphins and such…😊🤪
April 20, 2022
Finally found the time to masturbate this morning. Had to sacrifice my writing time to do it, but the massive cum explosion at the end was SO worth it.
April 19, 2022
Got to watch 14 at his sport today. Did really well, despite the insane below freezing temps and windchill.
April 18, 2022
Monday…I was busy. Didn’t write.
April 17, 2022
Had a bit of a blow up at supper last night. Mrs. Ten didn’t like her food and thought it was overpriced. I definitely agree on the overpriced part. However, her having a tantrum really ruined the whole meal for 16 and I. On a more positive note we’ve been communicating a little better so it didn’t turn into an argument, just put a sour note at the end of a really great day.
Got to sleep in this morning. Now, one more game and the long drive home. Early morning drive and dentist tomorrow. Just check up but still not looking forward to it.
April 16, 2022
It’s been an awesome day today. Got to watch 16 play and ate at our favorite Italian place. Even got to hit up a candy shop we used to go to when the kids were little. Having a relaxing afternoon before the next game!
April 15, 2022
Didn’t get to write but had a good day! Practice went late and we slid a bit on the ice on the way up. Pulled out of the skid though and arrived safely last night. Then had a good couple of games during the day. It was fun to watch. Even got to sleep in a bit!
April 14, 2022
I’m cautiously optimistic that Mrs. Ten and I dodged that bullet. Still not quite sure how but things seem to be mostly OK today…phew!
In a pretty good mood today. This is the first long weekend I will have had in quite a while, so I’m looking forward to it. Also, get to watch 16 play his favorite sport which is always fun. As a bonus we also get to visit one of our favorite Italian restaurants. Yum!
On an only slightly related note my good mood has mixed with one of 16’s former team locker room victory songs. Sometimes when I’m in a good mood I’ll sing/hum a bit from the song that is playing in my head. Going to have to watch myself today…not exactly a “safe for work song”. Thank God it’s only the chorus…”Colt 45 and two zig zags…”🙄🤦♂️
April 13, 2022
Feels like Mrs. Ten is just raring to pick a fight with me. Sometimes I wonder if it’s just my perception or if it really is the case. So far everything has gone ok. Trying to give her some space without being unsupportive. It’s a really hard balance for me to hold.
This whole situation is just really bothering me today. It’s not the little tiffs that we keep having that bother me. It’s the inevitability of the upcoming fight. I know it’s going to happen. I know that it’s going to hurt both of us without resolving anything and it feels like there’s nothing I can do about it.
I even feel as though I have a pretty good idea what is bothering her. She had a weird dream about me a couple of nights ago. It made her feel insecure on some level about our relationship. So, she wanted to talk to me a little more than usual to help her feel closer and more secure with our relationship. I didn’t recognize this need. Besides I’m a terrible conversationalist to begin with. So, she was on edge. Then she said something that triggered me to be a little defensive. My being defensive makes her feel like I don’t value talking to her…lather, rinse, repeat until the cycle reaches an explosive point. I wish she was able to see that I’m not actually trying to ignore her but when this spiral begins she just becomes really hard to talk to.
There are a lot of great things about being with your high school sweetheart. We’ve grown up together. We’ve shared just about every major developmental step since, well, puberty. However, we’ve also built up a lot of triggers around each other’s responses and those can be really hard to overcome.
April 12, 2022
Didn’t get a chance to write. We were too busy driving to watch 14 play. It was good to finally get a chance to watch him this season. All of his competitions have been canceled so far this season due to weather. On the way home Mrs. Ten snapped at me over something dumb. Managed to avoid the fight.
April 11, 2022
The weather has been fantastic these past three days. Got to go for a walk today in the sun. One of my favorite things about spring is the way everything seems to be coming back to life. The grass may still be dead and brown and the trees may not yet have leaves but the birds are chirping like crazy. There is an almost overwhelming sense of hope. A sense that winter has almost past. A sense of rebirth. It makes me happy, and of course, horny.
April 10, 2022
Busy partying. All seemed to go well. As always, it got a bit hectic right before the meal (too many pots and things going at once) but it all turned out well in the end.
April 9, 2022
Busy Saturday. No writing for me. Spent all day cleaning the house and making food for our early Easter party.
April 8, 2022
Today has been a good day so far. It’s finally sunny out, even if the wind is howling at near hurricane force. Got to do another rowing workout this morning. I am consistently amazed at how much those workouts kick my ass, but they are great for burning calories.
I think I’ve been guilty of taking myself and life in general a bit too seriously lately. I need to step back and just reconnect with my sensual self. I need to remember to simply take pleasure in the sensation of being alive. Also, I need to have a few more orgasms.
Looking forward to this weekend. Some cleaning to do but it should be pretty easy. Big family gathering since we’re busy over Easter.
April 7, 2022
Didn’t get a chance to write. Overall, I did have a surprisingly good day though. Work was just about the right level of busy. Got home, had a simple supper. Then, practiced the language of the country we’ll be traveling to this summer on duolingo. It’s actually kind of a fun app and I’m having a really fun time learning!
April 6, 2022
I was having a great day today, despite the weather generally sucking and being stuck inside working all day. Then, Mrs. Ten and I got in a little tiff and it just absolutely burst my bubble. I am just SO tired of feeling hurt, especially over minor things. I keep feeling like every time I think we begin to get up and take off something just comes along and smacks us down.
Every time I pick myself up I just feel a little less capable of getting up the next time. I know I need to keep engaging with people but at the same time I just have this overwhelming expectation that it’s just going to end up hurting me in the end. I need to find ways to be more hopeful.
April 5, 2022
Didn’t write today. Was a boring day at work. Weather took a turn for the worst. Did get to masturbate and have sex which was great. It had been way too long!
April 4, 2022
Finally got back onto the rowing machine today. I had forgotten how intense these workouts are! Unfortunately, my injury came at the very end of my series in Glacier NP so I was way out of shape for the final workout. Stroke rate 36…hah…more like 30. Still, I came out of it 600 calories lighter and uninjured so I’m calling it a win!
Also, my libido has returned in FULL FORCE. I’m honestly so horny right now it’s driving me to distraction. I’ve been like that since the day after I wrote in this journal that my libido had diminished. So, in light of how fate seems to be working here I would also like to say that I am not yet a billionaire, nor am I able to spend 95% of my time just doing whatever catches my fancy. There, now we’ll see if those things get cleared up tomorrow as well.😊
April 3, 2022
Another day without the opportunity to write. Did get a lot of chores done though.
April 2, 2022
A lot of driving and work today. Didn’t get a chance to write. When I did get home I spent most of my evening cooking a rather eclectic mix of foods. I made brats, sweet corn, Caesar salad, and…creme brulee…🤷♂️
April 1, 2022
It’s been a good day so far. It’s interesting how this new workout series is going. I haven’t jogged in a while so my “recovery jogs” make me really sore. I HAVE been doing a lot of uphill walks at fast pace, so the “hard” hikes are actually pretty easy. Planning on getting back to rowing next week!
I’ve been sort of all blocked up sexually lately. It’s really weird for me not to have a libido for this long but for whatever reason I just can’t seem to summon any sexual energy lately. It actually makes me a little uncomfortable. On the flip side, I guess it’s just one less distraction…
March 31, 2022
Didn’t get a chance to write. It was a pretty quiet night though. Took care of some bills, made bruschetta to go with supper. Then, booked a few more things for our trip.
March 30, 2022
Going to be a busy evening of helping 16 with his homework tonight. Probably won’t get home until late. Still, it’s always nice to spend a little time with the kids.
March is finally almost over. Only one more month of abysmal weather to go before things start to brighten up and stay nice!
March 29, 2022
Had a busy day at work today. When we finally got home I had a chance to make a really amazing supper. Took a lot of time, but I do believe this may be the best meal I have ever prepared…recipe.
March 28, 2022
Unexpectedly ended up jogging this morning during my workout. Legs feel weird but I have to say I really enjoyed it. Lots of hard work at work today too. Looking forward to a quiet evening.
March 25 to 27, 2022
It was a busy weekend trying to get some “summer shopping” done and get kids to practice. Didn’t get to sleep in at all but still got enough rest.
March 24, 2022
Having kind of a “blah” day today. March and April are always hard for me. The weather is usually crap around here this time of year. Everywhere I look all the plants are dead, the ground is covered in mud, and there is no hunting or fishing season to be had.
I get pretty restless right around now wanting to be outside but not having anything really fun to do out there…It’s a good time of year for indoor hobbies like reading a book, doing a puzzle, sex, catching a good movie, or brewing some beer. I just can’t seem to find a chunk of time big enough to really enjoy those things much either…sigh.
Looking forward to summer! Just seems too far away at the moment to get very excited about.
March 23, 2022
Finished the Italy walking series yesterday. Today I started walking in Ecuador. My back still feels a little janky so I’m still healing up before I start rowing again.
My Ecuador trainer is a lot younger than the trainers I had in Turks & Caicos and Italy. It’s really interesting the difference in style. My previous trainers were a lot more like “hey, you got this push a little harder” in a really laid back way. In comparison, this one is like a small positivity chicken frantically scrambling in circles around me and telling me how “you’ve got this. We’re going to have so much FUN!!”
Both styles are very effective. It’s just interesting how they contrast. This one was emphasizing gratitude at the end of the workout. I can get on board with that. It really helps me, when I’m a bit down to remember that I do have good things in my life. Like the fact that Mrs. Ten and I mostly got along last night and also that I had the opportunity to work out inside this morning. Outside it’s just above freezing and the wind is blowing about 40mph…🥶
March 22, 2022
It might be pretty spotty writing in here for a while. I just feel so many negative feelings right now that I can’t really express them well. Mrs. Ten brought up getting divorced again, once again underscoring her level of commitment to us.
I guess I should expect that. Things have never been great between us and we’ve done very little to try and change that. I’m just so angry, sad, depressed, tired, and disappointed that I will need some time to think about it. Besides, Mrs. Ten reads everything I write here. Sometimes it’s a remarkably effective communication tool, but right now it would just be destructive.
For the rest of you who might happen upon this page, just know I’ll be okay. I’ll sort through my feelings and get through this.
March 21, 2022
I had a good day yesterday and like all things good in my life I’ve had to pay a price for having it. Mrs. Ten and I got into a huge fight about something dumb again…
March 20, 2022
Weather is supposed to be pretty amazing today. Hoping to get some spring cleaning done in the backyard, take the dog for a walk, and go for a bike ride. Planning ham steaks with pineapple on the grill for supper!
March 19, 2022
Well, that actually went pretty well. We all got along and aside from some grumbling about a minor misunderstanding between 16 and Mrs. Ten I think we all had a pretty good day.
March 18, 2022
It’s been weird these past two nights staying here by myself. I miss having Mrs. Ten and the kids around. Everyone is coming home tonight though.
I’m looking forward to it but I’m also nervous. Historically when we reunite after being apart things haven’t always gone well. Even when we both miss each other it seems like we spend time fighting over why we were apart. When it’s not that it’s just that sudden shift in dynamic where we had grown accustomed to making decisions independently and it feels a little abrupt to make them together again.
I guess I just hope we can all get along and celebrate being together again.
March 17, 2022
Had a nice evening last night until I got a text from Mrs. Ten saying that 16 had a bunch of homework to do last night and she had to help him finish it. I would have happily helped had I known. However, no one informed me. So, I ended up staying up until 2a all worked up about it. For context, my kids stay with their grandparents a lot since they go to school over in their town. It’s not like I could just walk down the steps and dig into it with them.
It really bothers me that 16 apparently didn’t want my help. Mrs. Ten thinks that no one asks because they think I don’t want to help. I suppose that I’ve earned that in some ways. I generally believe that the kids need to do their own homework. However, 16 has recently taken on an extra college class, and I do think it was a bit more than he could chew. I would have been happy to help him get it done.
Then, this morning Mrs. Ten informed me that I evidently don’t have the same values as her, since I wanted an evening to myself. She went on to say that I’m not the person that either the kids or her wish I would be, so she (and they) would just have to change her expectations. I think she’s probably right. She probably does wish I were someone other than who I am. Of course, it doesn’t make me feel great that things are that way, but I guess that’s just how it is.
A week ago I was reading this article about the seven different kinds of loneliness. I might actually write a post about it since I felt like there were a few things that were missed and loneliness is such a common human experience. I know I’ve felt it a lot in my life.
Overwhelmingly, the kind I most often feel is the “I’m different loneliness”. This incident just makes me feel that in a really awful way. Like I’m too different to even belong in my own family.
It sucks. It hurts. I’ll get over it. I’m just really sick of feeling that way. It ought to be ok for me to be me. It ought to be alright for me to want a little alone time now and then.
In this case I would have happily sacrificed that to pitch in and help out. Evidently though, my help is not really wanted so I feel a little low today. Looks like I’ll have another night to myself though, so I will do my best to make the most of it.
March 16, 2022
Have the day mostly to myself after work. Planning to grill some pork chops, masturbate, read my book, and watch an episode or two of Shooter on Netflix. Other things…laundry and review writing. Weather is supposed to be nice. Really should be a good day!😊
March 15, 2022
All in all a very productive day, but little time to write…
March 14, 2022
Yesterday was a beautiful day! Didn’t even need a jacket when I was walking the dog! Also, got to grill for the very first time this year. Just hot dogs but it felt absolutely incredible to sit in the sun for a bit and make some food.
Today, first treadmill workout in 2 weeks. Feels amazing to be up and moving again after that cold took me down. Mostly paperwork at work today…🤮. But…I am hoping to go for a walk at noon so I will look forward to that.
March 13, 2022
Lots of chores to do today but Mrs. Ten helped me with the biggest one last night. Have to replace the tarp on our tonneau cover since that spontaneously decided to rip. Then, a few cleaning chores and some computer work. Not too intense of a day. Kind of looking forward to it!
March 12, 2022
Had to work all day today. Not too much fun really. Came with a long drive too. However, had about a half hour to myself so I finally got a chance to masturbate with a regular fleshlight. God, that was one incredible orgasm!
March 11, 2022
Didn’t get a chance to write, but I did finally go in and get some antibiotics!
March 10, 2022
Feeling quite a bit better today but I don’t think I can claim victory over this cold yet….Don’t want to jinx it!
March 9, 2022
Another day with no writing. Still can’t shake this cold. Went to bed feeling a little better though…
March 8, 2022
Didn’t get a chance to write today. Still sick…
March 7, 2022
I think I’m finally just about over this cold. Still have some sinus drainage and I’m still tired but my lungs finally feel clean. One more evening of good rest might just be enough to overcome it.
It’s funny how this cold has put me in this sort of light pensive mood. I keep thinking about all of the times in my life where I’ve paused to notice something small, like the dew on a spider’s web or an ant carrying a morsel of food. In those moments I feel a bit like I do right now. I feel all caught up. Present. Like my whole life is contained in this moment and I needn’t consider the befores or afters. It strikes me that these moments are what I look for most when I’m out hiking. Moments when I can just let go and admire what is. Moments when the maelstrom of thoughts that are usually pummeling my mind just stops and I can grab a little bit of sun-warmed peace.
March 6, 2022
Didn’t write but had a fairly productive and restful day cleaning the house.
March 5, 2022
Didn’t get a chance to write today. Our season ended with the whimper I expected and we headed home early for some much needed rest.
March 4, 2022
Still haven’t managed to shake this thing but I do think I’m on the downswing now. Pretty easy day ahead. Half day at work, then a relatively short drive to 15’s game. This tournament should round out our season I expect. Either that or I’m going to have to start fundraising for a life sized bronze monument of our players. Just going to state would be the greatest sports upset in probably, well…ever. I expect we’ll be headed home early though and that’s ok. I’m pretty ready to start the next season…
March 3, 2022
Another day of disease seems like. I really hate convalescence. I just sit here, knowing I’m slowly becoming less fit. I know that when I finally jump back into it my body is going to struggle. That said, I think my back is finally completely healed…(frantically searches for a piece of wood to knock on).
March 2, 2022
Still didn’t take the time to write. More coughing up slime. I think this particular bug should be called tonsillar attack virus. It’s been lodged in the back of my throat all week so far and its gotten me so swollen up it’s hard to swallow sometimes…ach…
March 1, 2022
Didn’t get a chance to write today. Still fighting off this nasty cold. I did drop off the dismissal paperwork at the courthouse though. I am really hopeful that we can start putting all of that behind us now.
February 28, 2022
Back is almost back to normal, but now I seem to have caught 14’s cold…When it rains it pours. Sigh
February 27, 2022
Decided to hold off on installing that battery. Might as well wait until the deep freeze part of the year is over I guess. Instead, did a bunch of grocery shopping yesterday.
Then, Mrs. Ten and I spent the evening trying to plan out our vacation days in our main destination. I think we just have radically different styles of organizing things. In the end it became a bit of a tiff really, but we didn’t let it escalate and I think that’s some pretty good progress.
She has to work today, so I think I will spend a good chunk of time trying to plan out those days. That way we can go over a complete plan together and make sure all of the stuff everyone wants to see is included. Then, everyone gets what they want and we can still get the reservations made (where we need them) before it gets too late.
February 26, 2022
My back is almost pain free today. Just a little knot left, like if I’d slept on it wrong. I know that at some point even that little bit of pain will go away but I won’t notice it until hours later and then I’ll just be really excited. I hate injuries. They’re just frustrating. Then, the debate will begin. Should I start rowing right away, wait a week, two? Once the pain is gone I have no way to track whether I’m healing so it’s just a guessing game. My plan is to wait at least another week but we’ll see if I can hold to that.
Currently I have another toy review all written and I wanted to post it yesterday. Then I realized, no pictures! Now, everyone is home so it’s going to be a challenge to find a time to get them. Ah, the dilemmas of a toy reviewer…
Had a chance to masturbate yesterday. It had been a while since my last orgasm, probably about a week. So, rather explosive…💦. It’s funny how I can go for a while without and not even notice. Then, I come and it’s like an ice dam breaking in the spring. Now, I’m just super horny…
Lots of car stuff to work on this weekend. Did most of it yesterday. Just a battery install left to do. Think I’ll put the new one on the charger this morning and then wait for it to warm up.
February 25, 2022
My back is finally starting to feel functional again. I still won’t be lifting anything big for a few days but definitely way better than it was.
February 24, 2022
Not quite as busy, but still not enough time to write…
February 23, 2022
Incredibly busy day today. Didn’t find the time to write.
February 22, 2022
I messed up my back on Sunday. Not sure if it was sleeping on that futon or the rowing workout I did Monday morning. Usually when that happens I feel it right away and then it gradually gets better. This one has been weird as I gradually got worse all day yesterday and now I am starting to get better. Still can’t bend over to pick stuff up really without squatting but so far I can walk without hunchbacking it…Not a fan of getting injured as a 40+ year old. Takes way longer to recover than it did 20 years ago…
February 21, 2022
The argument continues. I don’t know what to do about it either. I just keep feeling like I am doing all I know how to do to make her happy and she just isn’t. Neither am I.
Looking back on the situation I think I could have avoided yesterday if I would have been more receptive to her when she woke up. I got up late yesterday and was just starting to wake up. I need a little quiet time to adjust and I hadn’t even taken a sip of my coffee. It’s no excuse though. She brought up a situation she was upset about yesterday (unrelated to us) and I just felt like she was focusing on the wrong things. I rolled my eyes. I shouldn’t have done that. Instead, I should have listened to her. All she wanted was to vent after all.
On the flip side if she wouldn’t have immediately stomped off I would have given her that. I would have given her the support she wanted. I think we’re in this phase where we keep trying to interact more positively with one another but neither of us is very practiced at it so we both end up sucking at loving one another.
At the same time, we both have huge raw scars and wounds from the ways we’ve interacted in the past. It’s hard to be vulnerable and not defensive, especially when you’ve gotten so good and well practiced at playing that shitty game.
Yesterday I made her a cake while we fought over the phone. I think I was almost as annoyed by the fact I had to keep scrolling up to the recipe through our text fight as I was by the fight itself.
My trainers on iFit have this saying, that “you don’t have to be motivated every day. You just have to be dedicated”. Fighting while I make a cake illustrated my dedication, even when I’m actively being demotivated…It was a very weird experience.
February 20, 2022
Got in another big argument with Mrs. Ten today over nothing. I’m really starting to wonder whether she actually wants to make this work. Every time we get in a fight she brings up divorce. It doesn’t matter how small the issue is it goes straight there. Every time there are papers to sign to get a divorce she’s the first to sign. When I printed out the dismissal form I signed right away and she still hasn’t done that. Maybe she’s right. Maybe “we” just don’t work anymore. All I know is that I’m sick of feeling like a discarded piece of garbage.
I actually do believe that I’m quite oversensitive about it really and I think that’s contributing to our current marriage malaise. All I want to do is get back on track but I just can’t find the words and I’m not sure how many more “divorce arguments” I can have before I have nothing left to give to this.
February 19, 2022
February 18, 2022
Didn’t get a chance to write today. I was too busy driving.
February 17, 2022
Had a great night last night. We got home and sat in the hot tub for a while. Nothing makes you feel relaxed like a cold beer, some olives, and hot water. Then, I made us some delicious stuffed chicken breasts with stuffing and some salad. After, she had to work for a bit so I printed out the dismissal motion to end our divorce proceedings. Then we cuddled on the couch while we started planning out the details of our trip.
It started to get late so we went to bed and watched a show for a bit before sex. I don’t think it quite turned out how either of us expected. Our dog kept trying to push us off the bed. I think we were both having a hard time taking it seriously enough to come, but we managed, just before cracking up a bit.
It was a wonderful evening!!
February 16, 2022
Another amazing virtual workout in Cinque Terre today! Lots of boring shit to do at work, but after I get to bring Mrs. Ten home. Tonight it will be just the two of us. I wonder what kind of mischief we can get up to?
February 15, 2022
Didn’t find the time to write in my journal today. It’s approaching that part of my weekly cycle of exhaustion where I rarely get a chance to just sit. When I do, I automatically just start shutting down and wanting to fall asleep…
February 14, 2022
Too busy tonight with sporting events to really celebrate Valentine’s the way I wish we could. Still…we both wished each other Happy Valentine’s this morning and last night we booked the trip of a lifetime together!😃😃
I’ve been trying to figure out what forms we need to fill out to get our divorce proceedings dismissed, so far to no avail. Bueareaucrats I’ve called have been pretty worthless in terms of helping…May have to actually consult with a lawyer…ughh☹️
February 13, 2022
Didn’t get a chance to write today as I had zero time by myself. It’s tricky writing on your sex blog when you’re surrounded by other parents. Decided it would be best to wait.
February 12, 2022
I’ve thought up my last two conditions for staying together with Mrs. Ten. Here they are:
9) You need to apologize when you do something wrong. I don’t need you to grovel or anything. You just need to actually say the words and mean them.
10) If you want me to treat you like you’re a princess than I need you to treat me like a king. What exactly does that mean? I will go out of my way to help you, to be courteous, and to support you in all that you do. You can lay your head on my chest and your worries on my shoulders whenever you need. In turn, you will give me copious amounts of sex, laughter, good food (Don’t worry I will cook it. I just need time to make it.), and adventure. What do I mean by adventure? Well, traveling, hiking, fishing, hunting, kayaking, etc., and yes, once again, sex.
February 11, 2022
Didn’t get a chance to write today. The season has everything all in a rush. Work is just as busy. I’ve scarcely gotten even a ten minute break.
February 10, 2022
Busy day today. A good day, but no time to write.
February 9, 2022
Wednesdays are always hard during season. At this point in the week I’ve been running on 4 hours of sleep each night since Saturday. As the season goes on, each week I feel a little bit more exhausted than the last. I love watching my kids play but I also can’t wait to get into a less demanding routine.
I’d love to get started on my list of terms for Mrs. Ten and I remaining together. The clock is ticking. Maybe this afternoon I’ll rally a bit, but I’m not feeling super coherent at the moment.
Mrs. Ten and I had sex last night. It was the first time in quite a while and my body felt like it was absolutely on fire. It has left me desperately horny for more and also pretty trepidatious about the after effects. The last few times we’ve been together it really threw a monkey wrench into everything. As much as I love sex, it’s not worth twisting everything up over one night together. I really hope it doesn’t have that effect again.
So, my terms. Getting these down might take a few days so I’ll just keep numbering them and, when I’m finished, put them all together.
- I’ve put this one at the top because I really feel like it’s the most important. We NEED to make our relationship a much bigger priority. I can’t fall in line behind your work or whatever else is going on in our lives. I need to be #1 and I need to make you #1 as well, right alongside our priorities with the kids. Sometimes this might even mean that the kids don’t get to do something because we need our time together. However, they’re old enough now I don’t think this is going to be as big of an issue. Our time together is special and we need to treat it that way. Birthdays, Valentine’s day, our anniversary, Christmas, Mother and Father’s day are all special and we should CELEBRATE them like we really believe that. No more treating them otherwise.
- You have to let me take care of you and do things for you, MY WAY. No more bravely soldiering through if I don’t attack it as quickly as you would like or if I have a different way of getting the job done. Once we’ve agreed a job belongs to me it’s mine. Period.
- I have to know that at some point in the future we’ll be able to put my affair behind us. I’m not asking for that to happen in any given length of time. I know you need to heal. You need time to trust me again. That’s understandable. However, if it’s always going to be there lurking and you’ll never be able to trust me again then this is never going to work.
- I need it to be ok for me to disagree with you about things big and small. We need to find a better way to converse about our differences. Some of this is just shit I need to work on myself. I’ve been way too guilty of not bringing it up when something small bothers me and letting it go unaddressed until I’m resentful. That needs to change.
- I need to be able to walk away from an argument and think about how I feel. Sometimes it might take us a few go arounds to work through things and I know this will frustrate you. However, anything that gets said after I enter the defensive crouch is just going to be unproductive and hurtful. You need to trust that I’m actively working out my response and not assume that I am putting off talking about it. Sometimes I need to think it through. Otherwise I just go from ok to mean way too quickly when I feel cornered. I need to work on having more patience there too and I need to stop making assumptions about what is behind your concern. I will work on that.
- I need your support and encouragement. I know that I’m a very creative, passionate, and driven person. Sometimes that means I come up with crazy plans like paddling a canoe all the way from here to Hudson Bay. Sometimes those plans are quite a bit more down to earth. I am aware of the fact that I can be easily swept up in fantasy. I think your much more grounded approach has helped me avoid drowning in the current a number of times. Thank you. However, there are times when I have felt like you don’t support my long term goals when in fact you are anxious to accomplish them as well. You just want to hammer out a more concrete plan first. We need to find a much more effective way to communicate with each other about when this is the case.
- I need you to find a way to better balance your stress level. Let me help you where I can, but some of this is going to be work you need to do on your own (or maybe work you need to just NOT DO). This will help both of us in almost every area of our relationship. I know from past experience that it will help with number 8. It will also help me see you in a more positive light. Less of our interactions will be rude and impatient.
- Sex. Sex has always been a problem for us. However, we’ve made some progress over the years. I know that it often feels to you that it’s too big of a priority for me, that I’m “hypersexual”. I am well aware that my libido does seem to dwarf yours. That said, I think it might be because we haven’t spent much time really exploring your desires. My desires are an open book, literally. You can read about them all over this blog. You, however, remain largely a mystery to me and I want to change that. Some things I think would help… 1) Give me feedback when we’re together. Tell me when it feels good. Ask me to do that thing you like. Most of the time I feel like I’m flying blind. 2) Tell me about the things that turn you on. Find a kink you’d like to try. I am always eager to try new things. 3) Understand that I think you’re beautiful. Don’t question it. Don’t hide from me. Let me see every inch of you. It doesn’t matter what you think about your appearance. Know that I think your hot. Know that you drive me wild with desire. 4) Let’s create a safe space to discuss the things that turn us both on. Some of those things might be hard No’s for one of us and that’s fine. I just need to know what you’re interested in and I need to be able to tell you what turns me on. No matter how weird it is. We don’t always have to act on it.
February 8, 2022
I’m really starting to think that this whole divorce idea might be the result of a lot of miscommunication between the two of us. Last night Mrs. Ten told me that she really doesn’t want to go through with it but that she thinks I do.
I really don’t want a divorce either, but I think we both agree that things need to change between us and that we can never end up back in this situation again. I know a few of the things she wants to change but I’m sure I haven’t gotten the whole list. Likewise, I haven’t put together my list either.
I do want to try though and we have a while before our case is in front of the judge. If we can come to an agreement I would be the happiest man in the world if we were able to file for a dismissal.
So, I think we need to approach this like generals negotiating the terms of our mutual surrender. I hope we can find common ground Mrs. Ten. I for one cannot wait to hand you my sword…🥲😉
February 7, 2022
I keep running into all of our broken plans, all of the things we wanted to do together and it absolutely breaks my heart. Every time I run across a new one I find myself tearing up, gasping for breath. It really fucking hurts!
The camper we were going to trade for a smaller one so that we could travel a lot more. I still really want to do that! The whole hog that sits at the bottom of our freezer that I was going to smoke in a pit I’d planned to build this summer. Yum…ouch! The garden I may plant this spring but perhaps not be around to tend. The business we started (mostly her, but I still had a hand) that was just getting off the ground and may now wither and die. I don’t know when or how or even if this will ever get better. I just keep looking at the magnificent palace we built and wishing there was a way to fix the huge cracks in the foundation.
If there were a way that we could do that I’d take her back in a second (if she would still have me).
Thing is…those cracks have been there for a very long time and we’ve tried to paper over them several times in the past. They just keep reappearing.
I’m sure she would have a list as well. I’ve been far from perfect as a husband. This is my story though, my blog, so you get my perspective. For me the fundamental flaws in our relationship have always been big words like TRUST and RESPECT. Sure, on the surface it’s about smaller big things too, things that follow from those two big words, like intimacy, sex, and happiness.
This latest bout of disharmony is just one in a cycle that goes back past our wedding date. Now that it seems like it might be over it’s easier to see where the problems started. Hindsight= 20/20. Some of our arguments since the affair have been revealing too.
For me, the time she told me how she’d always felt one step ahead of me in terms of maturity really stands out. She said she felt as though she had to pull me along.
Regardless of how much I might disagree with that statement it really does reveal a lot about how she has seen me. If I felt that way about someone, like they weren’t my equal, like I was always having to help them up, I might have a hard time respecting them too. I wouldn’t be able to trust them with anything I felt was important. I have to admit, that seems to fit how I’ve felt many times over our marriage.
She’s told me it hurt her most on our anniversary when I told her I wished we’d never met, wished that I could go back and erase it all. Yes, I’m an asshole. I can see that now. For context, I had gotten up that morning (after we’d argued) wanting to take her out on a date. She told me she wanted to sit down with me and fill out papers for a divorce. She was only trying to give me what she thought I wanted.
I think I’ve developed a bit of a problem around rejection. I’ve never felt as though I fit in much so it touches on a really, really sore spot when I feel like I’m being rejected. In that moment that’s how I felt and I responded with a scorched earth approach that I regret.
However, when I reexamine that statement there is a tiny nugget of truth there mixed in with all the venom. Knowing that it would end this way, would I go back, pair up with someone that would actually be my forever person? Of course I would. Who wouldn’t? I do regret wasting my youth and so many years of my life fighting with her when it might have been so much easier with someone I was more compatible with.
Then again, that ignores two important things:
- No one can know in advance how it will all end or whether that magic compatible person even exists. Nor can I go back and retrieve her.
- All of the really good memories that we did make.
I keep banging into all of the memories that we wanted to make, all the things we’d planned together for after the kids grew up. We are almost there. RIGHT NOW, we are almost there. We almost made it. I still want to make all of those memories and I have no words for how sad it makes me when I think about not being able to do those things with her.
February 6, 2022
No great insights today. Just feel kind of shell shocked and shitty. Staring down a long week ahead…
February 5, 2022
Well, she took the papers to the county yesterday. When I got home from work we had a great meal together with the kids and after I snuck away to check the envelope. I didn’t want to ask her about it and create more drama in front of the kids. Since it was still there I thought perhaps she’d decided to wait, so everything was pretty normal last night.
This morning it occurred to me that I should probably actually look inside the envelope and indeed we now have filed. I don’t know how to act now. I guess I’ll soon be free.
I kind of wish I hadn’t thought about it. Tonight is parent night for 16 and I have to go stand out there with my soon-to-be ex and pretend like everything is not totally fucked.
Well, they say the journey of a thousand miles begins with one step. While the judge reviews our file I guess I might as well get a head start figuring out my plan.
I’ve decided that it will probably be best if I stay single for quite a while. I need to figure out who I am as a person and not as part of a couple. I need to process the pain. I need to sort out my baggage and try to leave some of it behind. I need to do this for myself and I need to do it so that I can be the best person I can be for the person I’m with next. I don’t know how long all of that will take. Probably several years…😪
Also, after she left this morning I finished the Turks and Caicos walking series I’ve been doing. It was a short workout and not nearly enough. So, I went ahead and started the next series.
Guess what? I’m now working out in Italy (virtually of course)!! That revelation was immediately followed by a nice solid granite fist of hard reality. This is the place soon-to-be ex-Mrs. Ten and I had wanted to visit most in the world. Of course, that meant that I got to figure out how hard it is to walk at 3.8 mph while I balled my eyes out. I guess I’d better just become accustomed to these rogue waves of emotion.
I am actually extremely grateful to my trainers though. It was a beautiful and challenging walk. By the time we reached the summit and were standing on the battlements of a castle at the top of Portofino I was crying for a different reason.
It occurs to me that the greek word apocalypto means “reveal” (yes, i learned that from a rather mediocre Mel Gibson movie). Even though my marriage is over and I am now set to walk through a valley of crushing pain I can look to the other side of that valley and set my sights on a goal. I can set my intention.
You see, now that I am taking these first steps I can look forward to a distant point on the horizon. My goal is this:
One day, probably a long time from now, after I’ve healed from this relationship, after I’ve had the chance to transform my life into what I want it to be, I will be able to stand on that distant vista for real. On that day, my goal, my intention, is to stand there with someone that can love me the way I need to be loved and that is fulfilled by the love I have to offer in return.
The scariest parts about that goal are:
- It relies on the presence of a very select other, and I have no control over how or when I might find myself with her. It’s possible that I never will.
- It involves a ton of emotional and possibly even spiritual work. Unlike my fitness and professional goals, where I have at least some idea how to navigate the terrain, I have no idea how to walk those two paths. It’s fucking scary.
I really hope that I’m up to the challenge. After, I finished working out I took a shower and cried some more. This grieving thing really sucks!
February 4, 2022
Today promises to be very much like yesterday. Haven’t spoken to Mrs. Ten yet but last night it seemed as though she was very determined to become ex-Mrs. Ten. I think she’s planning on dropping off our divorce paperwork at the county.
Today I just feel tired all the way through my bones and into the core of my soul. Of course, the fact that I barely slept last night doesn’t help. Now that the serotonin from my workout has dropped off I’m feeling really pretty fucking low. But, I will cowboy up, grit my teeth, and wade through it. I seem to have brought this on myself after all.
February 3, 2022
Didn’t get a chance to write today. Overall though it was pretty brutal. A long, busy day at work followed by an evening of arguing with Mrs. Ten. It kind of sucked.
February 2, 2022
Busy day today but a quiet evening. Finally had a chance to masturbate! Came SO hard. It had been a couple of weeks. Also, made the best pork chops I’ve ever had and wrote some erotica!
February 1, 2022
Busy day today. Haven’t had a moment to write until now. It’s been an emotional day as well but I’m not sure I’m ready to talk about it here. I guess we’ll just see how things play out.
January 31, 2022
Feeling pretty good today, but a little sad. A couple of my coworkers were having a conversation about the stupid little things they argue about with their spouses. It just reminded me that many of the things Mrs. Ten an I argue about aren’t stupid and little. They are big issues with real consequence. I constantly find myself questioning whether we will ever get it right. Even beyond that, I feel pretty hopeless about whether I’ll ever have that kind of relationship in my life again. One where the arguments are laughable and everything isn’t broken and fucked up.
On a more positive note, I’ve dropped about 4 pounds of weight in the last week. Half of that is probably water, but the rest might be real. I think I’ve finally found the level of motivation I need to kick it in gear and get back down to 185. Just need to hold onto it tightly!
In other totally random news, today I found a funding agency whose mission I find quite intriguing…Too bad I’m not an academic. Anyway, have you heard of the John Templeton Foundation?
January 30, 2022
Didn’t find the time to write, but it was a good day. Made Salisbury steak for supper with honeyed carrots and roasted potato medallions. Yum!
January 29, 2022
Finally got some sleep!!
January 28, 2022
Still feeling really burned out today. Sometimes life is easy, sometimes it’s painful, and sometimes…well, it’s like I’m a zombie stuck in a sea of gray nothingness. I know it’s mostly just lack of sleep. Hoping for a little recuperation this weekend.
January 27, 2022
Still busy and exhausted. This has been a long week and the weekend doesn’t look like it will give me much of a break…sigh.
January 26, 2022
Didn’t get a chance to write today. Busy and exhausted.
January 25, 2022
It’s been an odd sort of day today. Tired, busy, not much to say…
January 24, 2022
This morning I had to take the truck to work. There was a bit of a ground blizzard going on and the highway was too icy for the car. What struck me about it was how guilty I felt for taking it and making Mrs. Ten drive the car, if only for a few blocks through town. I need to knock that codependent shit off. It’s not as if she was making me feel this way. Nope, all me…🤦♂️
January 23, 2022
Plans got canceled today due to Covid. Another productive and somewhat relaxing day. We’re all healthy though, so, overall, a good day.
January 22, 2022
Didn’t get a chance to write today. It was maintenance day today. New car batteries, pcv valves, laundry, dishes, etc. Lots of good food. Not many important happenings, but overall productive and relaxing!
January 21, 2022
I feel pretty great today! Not exactly sure why, my sleep was supposedly even worse than last night. I think there must be some quality that my fitbit isn’t measuring.
I’m finally back at that point where my work-outs are making my body feel really, really good. My resting heart rate has dropped a full 10bpm which is awesome. I’m noticing a lot of knock on effects from that. Number 1 is that I just feel a lot better all day long and everything is a little easier to do. I’m also more aware in general and perhaps less forgetful. Number 2, arousal. Happened to glance through some porn this morning and without realizing what was happening I was rock hard in mere seconds. When I’m out of shape it takes longer and I need a bit more encouragement. I’ve been able to masturbate the last two mornings as well so I suppose that might be helping too?
This morning was also the first time in a long time that I actually really, genuinely missed Mrs. Ten’s company while on my commute. Usually I look forward to the alone time, but today, I would have liked her to come with. I know that seems like a really sad commentary, but the truth is that we haven’t taken the time to pause and really rebuild our friendship in a really, really long time. So…I think it’s working and it’s a really good sign!
January 20, 2022
Feeling a bit weird today. Didn’t sleep real well. I was supposed to be busy at work but I’m not. Everything just seems a bit off. However, I did find this article which I thought offered a refreshing perspective on the pandemic…🤷♂️
January 19, 2022
Another incredibly busy day.
January 18, 2022
To continue the theme of weird questions that pop into my head. Have you ever wondered why farm silos often have a couple of rows of white checkered bricks at the top? Turns out that it’s just for decoration, but some of them tell a unique story. And here I’d concocted some theory about reflective paint for airplanes, before electricity became commonly available. Never mind the dearth of planes in that era…🤦♂️
On a more serious note, I’ve had a few epiphanies today. First one- Mrs. Ten thinks I’m “preoccupied with sex”. I do tend to agree. I think about it a whole lot. I’m not convinced that it’s such a bad thing though. It’s just the way that I am and I wish she would support me in it…Not much I can do about that though. I can no more stop myself from fantasizing about sex than I can wanting to eat, etc. It’s just an innate part of me.
2nd- We had a brief tiff this morning about how I’d forgotten to bring some money with to deposit in the bank. It didn’t amount to anything and we quickly moved on. However, my instinctive reaction really bothered me. I didn’t feel bad about it. In fact, I actually felt a little angry. To put this in perspective I rarely, if ever, ask her for help. I absolutely think this has more to do with my personality than her willingness to provide it, but when she gets upset like that when I’ve forgotten something and remembered at least three other things I feel like I’m being taken for granted. There are two things about that that bother me. 1) I don’t want to be taken for granted. 2) I actually want to be in a relationship where this situation makes me feel bad. Not because I’m being reprimanded, but because I let my partner down and she does so much for me. I just don’t know what it would take for us to get there. I think I need more from her, but I also think I’m not very open to receiving more….bit of a pickle really.
3rd- I was reading an article yesterday about rituals that happy couples have. A lot of it struck me as useless nonsense but there was one thing that really struck home with me, the ritual of greeting one another when you’ve been apart. I can think of so many instances in which the way we greeted one another ended up costing us weeks of fighting. It also just makes a lot of logical sense to me. I mean, if you greet me every time I come home with a smile and a hug, of course I’m going to look forward to seeing you. Unfortunately, we have both been way to guilty of brushing each other off when we get home. We’re both too busy, too independent, too unwilling to rely on one another. I gave it a shot last night. She told me she didn’t need a hug…😔. Of course, she does have a cold right now. I’ll keep trying and see if I can work it into a conversation.
4th- It occurs to me in reference to epiphany #2 that I also take her for granted quite a bit. She is always putting in overtime making extra $$ to keep us afloat and progressing financially. I think I tend to see this as benefiting both of us and that makes it harder to appreciate it as an effort she is making on my behalf. Even so, I definitely need to find new ways to show her how much I appreciate all of the work she does.
Also, things I’ve fantasized about today:
Nuru massage, masturbating together, anal sex, pegging, having my cock worshipped by two women, masturbating and then coming inside my partner, edging, her talking dirty to me, her giving me a hand job, eating her pussy, eating her out after I’ve come inside her…
January 17, 2022
Have you ever wondered why egg noodles always come in those super easy to rip cellophane bags? All the other common noodles arrive neatly packed in boxes, but not so the egg…Why is that?! A quick Google search reveals no definitive answer and I’ve not the time for more than that…
On a completely unrelated note, I’m feeling quite horny today…Sometimes I think a good morning workout after a period of rest just does that to me. I keep fantasizing about that first thrust. The feeling of your slick walls parting for me. The way your wetness feels on me as I slowly thrust every inch inside of you until we’re gasping and I’m as deep as I can go. Also, later, after we’ve been fucking for a while, the feeling of your wetness dripping between my balls…Mmmm.
January 16, 2022
Warm. That’s how I would describe today. Of course, anytime this frozen tundra gets above freezing in January it can only be described as warm. It was also warm because I sat in the hot tub for two hours today. Got to take 16 rabbit hunting for a bit. In doing so I worked up a tiny sweat so, also, warm. Mostly though, it was just warm because I got to stay home for the majority of the day. Home makes me feel warm.😊
January 15, 2022
Forgot to write today. It was actually quite relaxing.
January 14, 2022
Nice relaxing snow day today. Didn’t get a lot done, but got some rest.
January 13, 2022
Incredibly busy day today. Not a lot to say and no time to say it…
January 12, 2022
A lot of stuff this morning. Let’s see if I can get it all down by days end…
This morning I hopped on the rower. Hit the play button on my workout and saw that it was called Tabata cuts. Hmmm…that’s interesting, I thought. Wonder what that is? (most of my fitness training is self taught).
Shortly after warm up…
“Hmmm…Steve’O is having us do a stroke rating of 28…for a warm up…”😬
First tabata cut in a set of 8…stroke rate 30
“This isn’t so bad…”
4th cut into first set…
“Holy shit this hurts! I might not make it.”
7th cut, first set…
“Curse you Mr. Tabata! May you burn in the darkest depths of hell!!”
4th and final cut second set…
“How does this still hurt this much!”
Final cut, 3nd set of 2….
“Holy fuck! My 500m split time hit 1:17!!”
10 minutes after workout, in the shower when my body has cooled down and settled into an amazing runners high…
“Bless you Mr. Tabata! Help me find enlightenment!”
Two hours post work-out, when my heart beat is still elevated by at least 10bpm…
“What kind of fucking drug is this!”
Also, as I was cooling down from my workout the song ifit was playing was Love Me Like You Do by Ellie Goulding. It seemed like it was catching a nerve for me but I figured maybe it was just the intensity of the workout.
Normally, that particular song is a little too Rom Com for me. A bit too happy ending. That shit doesn’t really happen in real life. Sometimes I use skepticism as a defense mechanism. If something isn’t possible I can’t feel too bad for not attaining it.
Later, after I dropped the kids off and headed to work I played it to see what was bugging me about it. That shit damn near brought me to tears. I think I am desperately craving that kind of love. That let me hold you, heal you, and complete you vibe. Total surrender. Then, I realized just how thick the walls are that I’ve built around my heart. I am so terrible at letting anyone heal me. I don’t ever ask for help. I never expect it, and I probably go quite a ways out of my way to make sure it doesn’t happen.
My relationship with Mrs. Ten is just in a lot of pain right now. I probably can’t see through it to know all the times she’s offered me that kind of love. Outside of that, I can only remember two times I’ve felt anything like it. The time I was absolutely plastered and I passed out on the couch at one of my friends girlfriend’s apartment (we went out to party before moving her the next day). She took my shoes off and lay a blanket over me. I felt so pathetic and grateful all at the same time. The other time was when one of my coworkers hugged me after my dog died.
That strikes me as some pretty shallow shit. I can’t even imagine how it would feel to have that kind of love from someone I am actually intimate with. But, I do want it. I’m fucking starving for it. I also feel like that level of desperation is pretty fucking dangerous.
After, I needed to sort of back out of that feeling. I have rarely used music as a way to do this but I found it helpful today. My playlist-
Boom, clap- Charli XCX Still, pretty heart palpating for me but far less intense.
Confident- Demi Levato Smooth that wound over nicely. You can own this.
My Songs Know What You Did in the Dark- Fall Out Boy. Cauterize the wound, motivate.
Of course, that Demi Levato song brought me back to my workout, and yet another realization…
One of the things I really seem to like about iFit is the over the top encouragement you get from your trainers. It felt pretty cheesy at first. “You’ve got this!” “You’re doing great!” 🙄 Lady, I’m just walking down the beach (albeit a little faster than I normally would).
But, after a while, when I can literally feel my body changing and the runners high has seeped in on enough occasions I’m starting to believe. Fuck yes. I really can do this!
I want that from my lover as well. It’s a relationship component I had rarely considered. Usually I’m pretty motivated all by myself, but having someone there to encourage me, to lift me up. That’s a fucking turbo boost.
January 11, 2022
Had an hour long argument with Mrs. Ten last night right before bed. Then, I couldn’t fall asleep for several hours. I am just mentally, physically, and emotionally absolutely spent. It’s possible that someday I will comment on all of that but I feel like it’s probably best if I just don’t right now.
I really hope that tomorrow is a better day.
January 10, 2022
You know, I had all kinds of deep insights to put in here this morning and now I’m tired and I can’t remember any of them. But…
I did get a chance to glance at some porn this morning. It was a bit of orgasm denial where the submissive was begging to come and her Master was just torturing her with pleasure. Got my juices flowing a little. So all day I’ve been thinking about how fun it would be to leave instructions for a sub to put a butt plug in. Then, when I get home, take my time sliding my cock in, in place of the plug. Once I’m inside, I want to try teasing her while she leans back against me until she’s begging to come. Not yet…nope, wait….etc. When she’s all edged out I want to make her come, HARD, then see how many times she can come while I’m inside her before I do as well…🥵
January 9, 2022
Sometimes I think it would be easier for me to live a solitary existence. I don’t really fit in anywhere. Trying to get my needs etc met by others just feels inefficient and futile. But if I’m honest, I really do want to fit in, at least a little bit, somewhere or with someone.
I want that indescribable feeling. You know the one. It feels heavy and musky in my heart, with little balls of joy bouncing around everywhere. It feels incredibly heavy and feather light at the same time. But the older I get the more I find that those little balls of joy have nails in them. They can hurt. They’re not to be trusted. Even so, I keep on wanting them all the same…
January 8, 2022
If Saturdays are made for quiet relaxation then this one has been pretty good!🙂
January 7, 2022
I was thinking a bit this morning about how some parts of me just feel completely and irrevocably broken. I think anyone that survives 40 years or more on this planet probably has parts like that. Sometimes those parts are big and sometimes they’re small.
A great example of a small thing for me is my ability to dance. I just get all kinds of self-conscious even thinking about it and unless it’s a truly special occasion like my wedding there is no way you’re getting me out on that floor.
When I was 13 I loved to dance. I am well aware just how weird I probably looked. I would slide across the floor and do all kinds of awkward moves but I really enjoyed it. Of course, being weird in a school with class sizes of 30 or less was an obvious recipe for disaster and it ran its inevitable course. I was ridiculed and I stopped doing it…forever. Well, at least for the next 28 years…we shall see I guess. It’s a small thing. It doesn’t affect whether I can get on in the world in any way, but it is a small ray of joy that was deleted from my life early on.
Big things? Definitely religion/spirituality. When I was a kid we went to church in a different town from where I went to school. I had a lot of pretty awful experiences there. Not the truly awful kind. I was never raped or beaten etc. Just the kind where you’re consistently picked on and made to feel pretty worthless by your peers. It didn’t help that I was a pretty serious, and sensitive kid. I think a lot of what I endured started as good-natured ribbing. However, because I reacted to it the wrong way it just proceeded into a really bad pattern.
Anyway, I grew to truly hate the church. Now days, I get a little nauseous just thinking about the place and my whole connection to spirituality just feels absolutely numb. It’s like I’m afraid to touch it because it’s never brought me anything but pain. Now, I’m even a bit worried that if I ever pierced that barrier and touched that nerve it would create this torrent of unwanted change in my life. So I just leave that dusty corner of my soul to gather more dust…🤷♂️
January 6, 2022
This morning I walked on a beach in the Turks and Caicos (virtually) while the wind chill outside was -29F. It was a nice break from the literal cold reality of life up here. Of course, it got me thinking about my travel bucket list and all of the innumerable places I’d like to go. In turn, that had me thinking about gardening and homesteading. My visualization plays out in a homey fantasy in my head, though I am well aware of the difficulties incumbent to that lifestyle.
The thing is, those two goals are often in opposition. A real homestead requires constant work and doesn’t leave much time for travel. Traveling like I would like, doesn’t allow much time to enjoy the comforts of home. A balance must be struck I suppose. These warring instincts are so characteristic of my personality. I often wonder how I will eventually resolve them.
January 5, 2022
I’ve been getting into iFit lately. This fall we purchased a treadmill and I also bought a rowing machine. Well I bought an ifit membership and got the machine for free. I absolutely love the workouts. It’s fun and distracting enough to make it feel a lot less like work.
One of the weird things I’ve noticed is that my fitbit registers rowing as either “athletic activity” or swimming. Not sure why it changes day by day. Peculiarly, it also registers folding laundry as swimming…so I guess I’m literally swimming in laundry?
January 4, 2022
Another day where I’m too busy to journal…
January 3, 2022
I keep thinking today that the two things I feel the absence of most acutely in my life are:
- Someone that is genuinely happy and excited to see me.
- A job that I enjoy and find exciting.
Translation- I need more affection and Mondays suck!
January 2, 2022
Starting to see that journaling on weekends might prove difficult. Until tomorrow…
January 1, 2022
Happy New Year’s everyone!
I have not always been a big believer in New Year’s resolutions. It has always seemed to me that NOW is always the best time to start making the change you want to see in yourself rather than waiting for a special holiday. However, the past year has been an extremely difficult one for me and I wanted to mark the new year with a few changes.
One of the changes I want to make is getting back to journaling. When I began Tantalizing Tidbits it was meant as a place to put all of the random bits of sexuality that pop into my head now and then. It was a place for those things that are too small to fit into a story and too big to fit into a tweet. It was also a place where I wanted to let my readers see dimensions of me that aren’t sexual at all. I really am a whole person, and while I am quite sexual, I’d say that at least 80% of my thoughts aren’t about sex.
With the reboot, my intention is to leave a little note every day. My entries will probably be shorter, and more often than not, they won’t be sexual at all (although sometimes they will be). So, if you pop in here moving forward, that’s what you can expect, just random bits of Ten.