Between the Sheets with Violet Fawkes
TW: *Sits up in bed as the door opens. Well hello Violet Fawkes! So glad you agreed to an interview. It’s an honor and a privilege to have you between the sheets tonight. Thank you for volunteering to be my first…….interviewee.
VF: *Slides beneath the covers, props herself up on one elbow. Thanks Ten! Glad to be here!
TW: I must say, you’re wearing some stunning lingerie this evening.
VF: Thank you! I firmly believe lingerie is for everyone!
TW: Indeed! I agree. Also, congrats on making both of the top 100 lists this year. So, your blog says that you identify as bisexual and that you are polyamorous…What do you look for in a potential partner?
VF: Ooof, right down to brass tacks, eh? The usuals: honesty, integrity, kindness, communication. It’s important to me that our values match and that we want the same things in the relationship. It’s also very important to me that we have the room for each other. Different people have different needs and it’s important to recognize when you are mismatched. Also, they need to be funny. Funny is essential.
TW: Haha! Sorry, I have a tendency to be a little abrupt when I first meet people. I get a bit nervous and fumbly sometimes, especially when I’m between the sheets with someone as attractive as yourself.
VF: You’re doing great.
TW: *Deep breath. Ok…How did you first become polyamorous? Did someone introduce you to it or did it just evolve that way?
VF: I think I was poly before I knew there were words for it. By about 16 I knew that monogamy didn’t work for me but there was no reference for anything else. When I met my husband we talked about having an open relationship from the start and it’s always been that way since.
TW: Wow, so you knew yourself pretty well from a very young age then. Have you always known you were bisexual as well? Are there specific things that you look for in men that you don’t look for in women, vice versa?
VF: It’s funny you should ask. I literally JUST decided to openly proclaim my bi-ness. I didn’t announce it in any way, it’s really more a matter of just better respecting the experiences I’ve had with women in the past, and may have with people (of any gender orientation) in the future. I realized by minimizing the experiences I’ve had with women I’m minimizing my sense of self and there’s no good reason to do that.
VF: Are you asking if physically I look for different types? Or more personality-wise?
TW: Both I suppose. And also, are there needs, desires, or activities that you find are better filled/done by/with either gender? Sorry if that question got a little complex…
VF: I don’t really have physical types, I’m either attracted or not. In my experience gender hasn’t had any major influence when I compare them. I’ve had shitty partners and amazing partners, shitty hook ups and amazing hookups. It really comes down to the person.
TW: What usually leads to an amazing hook up for you?
VF: Excellent flirting. I like the momentum of talking, sharing pics, and winding each other up, whether it’s the first time or we’ve been having sex for years
TW: Do you like the anticipation involved in that or the give and take of discovering one another? Or both?
VF: Yes…lol, both. All of it.
TW: Are there any parts of your sexuality that you would like to explore further if you could find the perfect partner?
VF: I’d love to explore some D/s elements with someone that’s not a cisgender man. I think it would be interesting and intimate from either role and I’m curious to see how it may or may not be different.
TW: That sounds like it would be interesting. I’ve often wondered how being a transgendered person might impact a person’s sexuality and adding a D/s element might be really hot with someone that was very secure and confident in themselves. Have you a lot of experience with D/s?
VF: Yes, quite a bit, on ‘both sides of the slash’.
TW: Yes, I just finished reading your “So Long Subby Boys “post. Do you still see yourself likely having left that role behind forever? What do you like best and least about each side of the slash? Do you find that adding a D/s element to a relationship deepens the intimacy that can be shared?
VF: I’m in a place where it’s very hard to imagine having a D/s relationship as the D. In hindsight I don’t think it plays to my strengths and I was always stressed, so it’s hard to imagine putting myself back in that place.
VF: I think D/s can deepen intimacy, I think it can also tear it apart if not done well. As a D I enjoyed the sense of pride and ownership, as the s I appreciate the guidance. I find devotion exciting no matter the role.
TW: I can see how that would definitely be the case. It might be easy to overstep boundaries in D/s if communication isn’t good. Devotion is definitely exciting. Are there any specific kinks or fetishes that you enjoy? Are there any you’re dying to try out but haven’t had the chance?
VF: Kink is a wide, wide world, and there’s lots I enjoy and I’ve tried a lot of what I’d want to explore. I think less about doing more new stuff right now and more about discovering WHY I like the stuff I do. I’m equally, if not more interested in why I DON’T connect with certain kinks. I guess you could say I’m in an emotional and intellectual kink discovery phase. It’s less about the what, more about the why.
TW: Interesting! So what have you discovered? What have you tried that you really liked and disliked and why do you like/dislike it?
VF: One thing that I’m really trying to sort out is a kinky interest in religious iconography. I wasn’t raised with religion so I’m not fully sure what the appeal is really about. I foresee some very hot catholic inspired erotica and imagery coming in 2020.
TW: Back on the poly side of things, I’ve always wanted to ask. How do you deal with jealousy? Is it ever an issue for you? Either your own or your partner’s? Where do you think it stems from for most people? Is it simply culturally ingrained or is there a primal urge to “possess” someone? I’ve read some articles talking about how it says more about the person that’s jealous than the person they’re jealous of, and I tend to agree but having never experienced a poly lifestyle I’m curious what your take on that is.
VF: In my personal experience, jealousy is normal and still happens to poly and non-monogamous people, what is (hopefully) different in a poly situation is how it’s dealt with. I tend to avoid people who have issues with possessiveness and jealousy because my existing relationships are very honest and calm and I have no interest in adding drama. I think that trying to resist jealousy is futile, but that it’s also not something we are entitled to. It’s fine to feel jealous, but that’s YOUR feeling and doesn’t have to be mitigated or prevented by anyone else. Accepting that jealousy can occur and supporting the jealous person is the priority, IMO. I think that it’s mostly culturally ingrained. I think the desire for intimacy and closeness and belonging is universal, but the idea that we are entitled to our partners time and energy is not something I believe in. Jealousy is, IMO, just insecurity with no outlet. It occurs when we get scared or threatened or doubtful. Talking about that, asking for reassurance and sometimes just simply moving through the emotions is all totally valid; being manipulative or passive aggressive is not.
TW: Fascinating, and thank you, I’ve always wanted to ask that question. Ok, two more questions. 1) In order for a sexual encounter to be amazing, what absolutely has to happen? 2) Describe your hottest fantasy right now. Or if there’s nothing that you’re fixated on, what comes to mind first; describe that…
VF: Amazing sexual encounters require enthusiastic consent, hot chemistry, and the mental space to really focus on each other and get lost in what you’re doing. My hottest fantasy currently involves a quiet, intense fuck between me and another woman who is conveniently sitting astride my lap and riding my strap-on to orgasm. Feeling the way her skin flushes and watching her eyes … I may have to go and write that one now!
TW: Thanks so much Violet! I look forward to reading that. It’s been a pleasure having you between the sheets!